I got a new job and have been in my new role for over a month now. It's a lot of the same daily duties as my last job, but a completely different schedule and company culture. So far I hate it and am totally stressed out. I have broken down four times at work. Eeek! Three of those breakdowns happened in front of people, including both my supervisors. Being the crier I am, those moments have been super embarrassing. I'm good at what I am doing and people seem to value what I'm adding, although I haven't settled in enough to do what I was hired to do. The job provides stability and possibilities for future family making so yay. Experience tells me it will be all good whether I come to like the job or not, so I am just walking through the new of it right now. I finally got my second neck surgery scheduled. It's in a week and a half! I am really nervous and super excited at the same time. I am so tired of being in pain all day, every day. I don't handle it well, but I am told no one really handles chronic pain all that well. The moments i crumble are times when I really believe that I can't do it anymore and that doing anything that day is just too much. Getting up and going to work and meetings and family fun are completely unfathomable. So I panic in the form of a temper tantrum of some sort with tears and snapping and yells. It takes about thirty minutes or so for prayer to come to mind as an option and a couple more for meditation to come in the mix. When they do and I use them, I begin to breathe normally again and feel comforted by all the love inside me and in my life. I realize I am blessed and protected and finally I know I can successfully face the day. Sounds rough I know, but it works for now. I celebrated some of my new employee benefits with fun trips with family and friends and some days of self spoiling. Let's see... we had a big family day that rocked, a couple of niece and nephew movie days, some camping and hiking, dive season is starting up new captains and all, one of my dear friends relapsed into drugs but came back alive and wants sobriety again, I found an awesome women's group that I feel at home in, I knitted my first teddy bear, my husband got me flowers on a whim atop all his cooking and cleaning for us everyday.
So all this and I just feel like I'm on the learning train. My life is full and amazing and changing! I believe change opts me to learn or crumble. I'm blessed to have the continued desire and stamina to learn through change. So here's what I think I have learned or am learning through the last months:
- Humility may just save my career and my relationships
- I must make time for silliness
- Exercise is a huge asset to my recovery
- I need to say thank you without criticism attached on either end
- Quiet time is essential to enabling me to feel peaceful and spiritually connected
- Crafts are a good therapeutic outlet for me
- Singing out loud or dancing inspires joy in me
- It helps to assume people at work are cool with me until they show me otherwise
- I'm smart and resilient
- When it feels like to much, I can remember yesterday felt that way too and I've made it to today, so I'm already doing what I don't think I can.