I have such a big life today! I simply cannot physically or mentally
experience everything I’d like to, and I imagine that my list of to-do’s will
never shrink short enough to do it all.
In fact, I bet it just keeps growing.
People like having me around and they trust me. With that I have discovered how much time a
relationship, a close relationship, really demands. It’s funny that I didn’t know that before,
but I suppose I never really pursued healthy relationships, or probably more
accurately, I never had the ability to put any consistent time or care into them. Today I have been blessed with all these
people in my life as the certain result of working off a different moral code
than ever in my past. I don’t tolerate
deception or drama or bullshit of any kind for very long today. I used to live immersed in lies and cheating
and manipulation and gladly welcomed the same from people around me. Now it’s just too uncomfortable for me to
operate in that environment. I simply
find the pain of my old way of living unacceptable since having discovered and
practiced a different way. I really don’t
try to push the limits all too much anymore.
I still crave excitement and once in a while I consider that crazy life
again, and that lasts about 10 seconds. Haha! Seriously though, it only lasts a moment because
it’s fairly impossible for me to think past a drink in my hand without then
seeing complete chaos and destruction. I
find it comical that so many people draw an immediate assumption that I’m a
goody-goody and always have been.
Actually, that can be bothersome to me at times because I want everyone
to know that I’m not some naïve little princes, and I’ve seen more pain than
they have probably only heard about. You
can see my enormous ego has not left me entirely! Good part is that I don’t have to say a word
about my past and the feeling of desperately needing them to know who I really am
passes. Lately two instances have
occurred at work in which coworkers have tried to entice me into trying out
some booze. It’s hilarious that they
assume I have never drank before. I have
forever assumed that people can detect the alcoholic in me. I have hated that because I have felt branded. Now, I feel uncomfortable with their
assumption of my clean living. Man, I
spend a lot of time worrying about how others see me. So silly.
So yes, in many ways my road has narrowed. I don’t seek crazy. I don’t break the law. I don’t keep secrets. I quickly and directly admit when I lie. I do not manipulate people or
institutions. I don’t go to bars and
clubs just for a thrill. I try not to
hurt others.
My road has also widened. I get together with bunches of recovering men
and women, and I share and listen. I
babysit for my cousins and niece and nephew.
I have traveled to another country (yay!!! Finally!). I coach teenagers to become better at my
favorite sport and present them with more possibilities for their future. I go out to eat and enjoy food. I dance and sing and hike and swim and craft
and play. I have game nights with my
husband. I host alcoholics and addicts in
our home when they seek my husband and I out for help. I have made a home with my husband. I pray and find peace in quiet. I ask for help. I really love who I am. I am a recovering, faithful, smart, professional
woman who loves her family and the silly things life, and most of the time I
OWN IT!
