A Letter to Little Me - HFC Day 15

Write a letter to yourself as a child – you can choose which ever age you feel is most relevant to you. What do you want to tell that child? What wisdom can you share with him/her? What encouragement can you give to that child? Tell that child what good qualities you see in him/her. After writing reflect on what you have written and recognize that those qualities still lie within you, as does that child.

Dear Francie,

Hello beautiful!!! So you are only six and I am thirty two but believe me when I say, I get you.  I know you love making lists so here’s a checklist for you to complete every day.  Feel free to rewrite it as many times as you like, and to cross out your completions with bold marker or circular scribbles, whichever you like. 

• Giggle.
• Tell your sister and brother you love them.
• Raise your hand in class and ask a question.
• Ask your parents to tell you a story about them when they were your age, they have some doosies!!
• Do a dance – freestyle.
• Get good and dirty.
• Mess up your hair.
• Sing a prayer or say it aloud.
• Cuddle with mom or dad or brother or sister.
• Give yourself permission to cry, even if you don’t cry, just remind yourself that it’s okay if you do.
• Find some water and get yourself soaking wet (bath, shower, hose, pool).
• Keep dreaming BIG.
• Remember you’re a kid and your parents will take care of you and your bro and sis no matter what, no matter what.
• See you body in the mirror and love it.  God gave it to you and it can do so much already!  You’re so fabulous exactly as you are.

This should be a good start.  Everything is going to be okay.  You are okay!  Have fun and be bold.  Be grateful for what you have and embrace it all with joy and laughter. You’re six!!!  Woohoo!

Choose between 1 and 10 people, alive or dead, who you feel are or were positive role models. What are their names? Tell us a bit about them. What do you admire them for? How do they inspire you?

1.  Grandma Frances - My grandma and my namesake.  Classy and quirky all in one.  She was athletic and smart and easy to laugh and delighted in victory.  She played a mean game of horse rummy and took no mercy, even on eight year olds.  She played basketball when she was seventy some years old.  She was deaf and never apologized for raising her voice to an accidental yell in public.  She could be quiet too.  She could sit in the sun and nap and read for hours.  She made the most delicious peanut butter cookies and had a way of making root beer floats the most exciting grandma treat EVER.

2.  Mr. Nish - My high school cross-country coach.  This is going to sound strange but the most overwhelmingly amazing gift that Mr. Nish gave was listening.  He was the greatest listener I have ever come across and it's no surprise he was the most popular and beloved teacher at my high school.  From what I hear, he still is.  All of us want to be heard and when we are, we don't forget it.

3.  Father Roberto - A priest I very recently met who has the most contagious smile I've ever caught.  He can share and lend joy to anyone within moments.  His eyes are clear and his gaze is free of doubt.  He is joy, embodied.

4.  My sister and brother - My best friends and the greatest siblings anyone could ever have.  My brother and sister taught me how to stick by the ones you love, no matter what.  They taught me how to forgive in the purest sense.  No love is lost, the harm is left behind and the bond gets stronger with time.  I don't know where they learned this stuff, but I know I learned it from them.  

5.  Mom and dad - They never ever gave up on me and will never ever stop teaching me how to live.  My most natural desire is to be with others, to socialize and enjoy the company of others.  I love people and I love the relationships I've formed today.  I have learned to communicate and to add to a relationship because my parents have always sought to give more than take to one another and to the people around them.  They are my examples of married life and the finest I know. 

A picture is worth a thousand words - Day 8

Choose a picture (non-triggering) that speaks to you with regards to the experience of an eating disorder and/or recovery. Write in any way you choose about what it means to you and why and what lessons can be learned from that. You don’t have to write a thousand words, but if you would like to – feel free!

This was taken on my wedding day one year ago…

I don’t know what I weighed that day.  I did my own makeup, light and simple.  My hair turned out pretty cute.  My mom finished the happy yellow ribbon for the dress that morning.  Nothing was exactly in place but everything was absolutely as it was meant to be.  All day I embraced my own beauty inside and out, and I was totally present.  The abundance of laughter, hugs, kisses, dancing, and family that celebrated life with faith and love that day filled me completely. 

RECOVERY MADE THIS POSSIBLE.

Hungry for Change - Days 4, 2, 1

My ED…

Recovery…

This has been a powerful exercise for me.  It felt difficult, if not impossible, to depict what my disease and recovery really are to me in just a few words.  I wrote a bunch of random thoughts and feelings and arranged and rearranged words.  As I did, I found that I was really digging into the core messages of my disease and recovery.  My eating disorder started as a thing in which to find refuge, but quickly became nothing short of a living and very lonely hell.  The details are of no importance, that’s the core and ugly truth of the disease for me.  I was hoodwinked and then I was trapped.  I became resigned to my disease.  I knew sickness was all there was for me and I would die alone.  Heavy stuff.  Recovery is light.  My friend likes to say “wear recovery like a loose garment”.  I get it.  There is so much freedom in recovery and in being able to move in whatever direction I please.  I can do this because I’m secure in the beauty of my recovery, and in the amazing examples and support I have all around me. I don’t fear it all falling apart because what sense would that make?  I couldn’t figure out how to add a very well used mantra of mine to my slogan without making it too long, but it really does represent my hope and faith in recovery.  

In the voice of something bigger I hear, “I didn’t bring you this far just to drop you on your ass!”

When I’m in fear, when I think I need fixing, when I want a fix, when I’m too tired, when I can’t see the solution, I remember that I am never alone.

Weighing in briefly on my missed days…

1. I have faith and hope today. 
2. The freedom to dance. 
3. Being Auntie Frannie Fran Fran.
4. I LOVE my family.  I LOVE people.  I get to experience life with others.
5. I have my giggles back.
6. Women are special and priceless and I get to learn from other women today.
7. I trust in change today.  I pray for growth.
8. I ENJOY parties and banquets and holidays!
9. I have a purpose today.
10. I am alive and life is good.

One reason – I want everyone to hear and know

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

Inspired

I’ve been inspired thousands of times in my life.  It seems like with that many moments of inspiration, I should be walking around forever inspired.  I’m not.  In order for that to happen I would need a constant stream of new influences and arousals.  It’s what I began seeking in addiction.  Even now, seeking sobriety and sanity, that sounds awesome.  Knowing that in every moment change is happening and newness is intrinsic, all could be different all the time.  The ability to experience every moment for what it is, a brand new one, would theoretically provide me constant inspiration.  Hmmm, I’m not even close.  I mean not even a little bit.  Haha!  It does make sense though, and the book Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse makes even more sense with that line of thought.  I can even see the similarities between seeking release in addictions and seeking enlightenment.  Sounds nuts but read the book and you may find you agree.  Since I’ve got a long way to go before I’ve awakened to the present with 100% of me 100% of the time, I thought I’d describe some things that inspire me… every so often at least.

People inspire me.  People who try new things.  People who fail because they tried new things.  People who celebrate and share their successes with joy.  People who cry.  People who dance.  People who hug.  People who work hard and keep working hard.  People who refuse to make excuses.  People who sing.  People who pray for other people.  People who scream at God and glorify God in the same sentence.  People who find themselves paralyzed by fear and then somehow begin to move again.  People who don’t know and ask how or why or what or when.  In a nutshell, children inspire me and people who continue to show their own imperfect, childlike humanity inspire me.  They inspire me because in them I am assured that I am not alone.  I am never alone.

Water inspires me.  I am calmed and refreshed in water.  I have never been able to describe the feeling completely because it’s not just a morning shower eye opener.  It creates a complete change inside me.  It doesn’t matter what my mood, water will lift it.  I’m sure there are exceptions but so far I haven’t really found any.  I can be extremely depressed, feel completely worthless and out of hope and within a minute of jumping in a pool I have some new energy and life in me.  My thinking becomes extremely clear when I swim or dive  I goal set and sort out things that have weighed heavy on my heart.  I pray and I am grateful in water.  Water is forever in motion and surrounds me completely when I’m immersed.  I’m comforted by water’s power and presence and feel safe in being myself. 

Dance inspires me.  Not only is dancing entertaining and beautiful to watch, it breaks down barriers between and within people that would otherwise remain solid.  There doesn’t need to be any other connection than that of human movement for two people to share in laughter, competition, tension, love, and companionship.  Dance gives us that gift.   It also gives me the ability to open my heart and let out whatever I have to give.  Thankfully my heart is usually joy filled, but even in tough times dancing helps me release what’s inside.  It’s exhilarating and completely freeing.  I can be me and show myself to other people with only the slight risk that they might think I’m a bit spastic.  I’ll take it.

I hope you have a few things that inspire you.  If not, make some time to find some.  I promise you a human experience.

The best medicine

I love to laugh.  It keeps me in touch with the simple things in life, replenishes my spirit and just feels good.  Here are ten laughter-filled moments of my past in no particular order.

One time…

1. I woke up at 7 o’clock on my bedroom floor with my head on a seventh grade science book and panicked.  I rushed into the kitchen and began making a bowl of cereal in tears.  I had fallen asleep studying for a big science test and was not prepared.  My family was sitting at the kitchen table and asked me what I was doing.  I replied, “I’m making breakfast!”  They asked me why and I excitedly said “I’ve got to get dressed and I’m going to fail me test today!”  Then my dad said something and I began to yell.  I don’t remember what I said but halfway through I realized that my dad was still home, everyone was eating dinner, I was still in my volleyball uniform and finally… it was 7 o’clock AT NIGHT.
2. My sister and I decided we were going to measure our bodies from head to toe, head to chin, just the neck, shoulder blade to shoulder blade, groin to ankle, feet, hands, reach, nose, knee to hip.  You get the picture, everything.  Turns out my legs were an inch longer than hers.  Her torso was two inches longer than mine!  The visual was too much and we were in fits of laughter.  My mom was too as she observed the spectacle.  Oh and we were sixteen and seventeen at the time.
3. I was driving my carpool to soccer practice as a high school senior and we stopped to get iced water at a drive through.  As I pulled out and took the sharp right turn onto the street from the drive through lane, the waters began spilling.  I tried to stop the drinks from spilling but did not stop the car.  We ended up all the way over the curb and back into the drive through lane, perpendicular to the window this time.  I waved at the clerk who was only about two feet from the front of the car, backed up onto the busy street and went along to practice. 
4. I felt that knowing my best friend was taking a run meant that I should take the opportunity to drive alongside her through town and sing “Wind Beneath My Wings” by Bette Midler as loud as I could accompanied by my stereo on full blast.  Nice.
5. My mom and I got into an incredibly intense sword fight with our empty wrapping paper cardboard.  It was pretty hard core until we couldn’t continue due to not being able to breathe and having to use the bathroom.
6. My brother and I spent a summer in one of the most boring cities in America, a college town with no summer life.  We decided our best option one day was to count our steps to the fast food restaurant where we got soda daily and the movie store.  To this day it’s the most talked about thing we did all summer.   I can’t remember how many steps it took us but I remember it was a good time.
7. The first week on my college campus, my friend and I ran into one of the school’s basketball players in the bookstore.  I only knew his name was Hans because my friend was freaking out about how cute he was and told me to talk to him.  Well, of course we made sure we got in line directly behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hi, you’re Hans and I’m Franz, nice to meet you!”  No idea what I was thinking but the look on his face was classic and my friend, of course, was mortified.  It was seriously like I was in a movie the first day of classes a couple days later and he sat down next to me.  He looked at me and just shook his head.  Awesome.
8. There was a cereal commercial on TV during Christmas time where this little kid would string the cereal for the tree and talk about it.  One of his lines was something like, “I love these little crunchy little cornballs.”  Well, my sister and I found this completely adorable with his little boy learning to talk voice and one day my sister broke out the line… at the McDonalds drive-through order intercom.  The whole carpool was in the car and she says, “Hi, can we have four vanilla yogurts on those crunchy little cornball cones?” with the accent!  Oh man, even writing it I can’t stop laughing.  Years of entertainment.
9. When I was in seventh grade I was a lecture during the school mass.  Unfortunately, so was my best friend and we talked throughout the whole mass on the altar.  As the whole school was being escorted back to their classrooms, the eighth grade teacher found me and while pointing right at my face yelled, “You were a wart on the sanctuaries nose!”  I didn’t laugh right then but when I got back to my classroom I was brought to the front and told to apologize to the class.  I got the giggles so bad I couldn’t do it.  Of course it didn’t help that I started by telling my classmates what the teacher had said.  Maybe I was being a bit defiant.
10. My dad came to pick me up from my last final the last day of my last year of college.  He had been packing up the car while I was in the exam so we could take off across the country right away.  I came out of the building and there was my dad open arms, the biggest smile on his face, a bloody forehead, a dirty and bloody shirt and torn up sweatpants.  He was cheering for me “You did it!  This is my daughter, she’s a graduate!”  Well, it so happened that a big football player approached the steps to the building while this was going on.  In the flurry of excitement my dad just got a glance at him and noticed the all too cool fashion the football player had going on with one leg of his sweats rolled up over his knee.  My dad stopped pointed and exclaimed, “Nice legs!”

Who am I?

I'm 32, recently married, no kids, work a simple 9-5 job plus a fun gig on the side and am generally viewed as fairly innocent and naive.  Before that I was twenty something, a relationship nightmare, terrified of kids, unemployed and generally viewed as someone to stay away from or take advantage of depending on what kind of person you were.  Before that I was a high school overachiever, had a big group of boy and girl friends, loved my family, worked hard in school and sports and was generally viewed as a driven, bright, talented and caring young lady.  Before that I was a grade schooler, self conscious, faith filled, worked hard to be 'perfect', and was generally viewed as a ‘goody goody’ and a bit of a preacher type.

I don't think any of those pictures of me are really true at all but I'd say the high schooler is probably the closest to who I actually was at the time.  Today, I'm certainly not innocent nor do I think I'm all that naive.  I enjoy freeing myself of drama and have a taste for the simplest of entertainment.  People usually assume I've always been this way.  Why wouldn’t they?  My truth is that I'm a recovering alcoholic, drug addict, cutter and bulimic.  I've lived with major depression for half my life, have received 21 ECTs (shock treatments), and am a suicide survivor.  On the flip side, I have a bachelor's degree from one of the best universities in the country, competed on the national level in both club and NCAA Div I athletics, am a successful coach, a talented office professional, and my family gives me more love than I would dare dream to receive. 

You might guess my view - that descriptions and titles of people aren't really worth a grain of salt.  There's always more to tell.  The truth will always be different based on who is deciding it.  So, as I begin this blog I will relate my truth for you to do with it what you will.  My hope is that my experience might lend support and hope to the reader and ultimately enforce one of my most used mantras “There's a chance for change if I just stay alive”.